End of Life: grief and bereavement

Life can take a while to wind down, with many a family preparing for last hours – only to find their loved one has rallied. This can take an emotional and physical toll on care-givers – both local and long distance.

Unlike past generations, many have only seen dying and death on television. Knowing what the body shutting down ‘looks’ and ‘sounds’ like, can make it less scary and often less upsetting for everyone involved.

But the ‘knowing’ doesn’t take away the pain of loss. Grieving often starts long before the end, and mourning and bereavement know no time limit.

Bereavement and the process of dying

What worries me?

My big brother, John, had the best possible end

by KathyKastner | Dec 30, 2019 | Blog, Personal Stories

My bro died at home, on Palliative/Hospice Care Although we did not know it at the time, my brother’s ‘end’ started November 2018, with a brain tumour diagnosis. Surgery before Christmas that year was deemed ‘successful’ and John was in such good physical shape that he was released early. He sailed through weeks of radiation and chemotherapy with few of the expected side effects. His only physical change was that he started wearing hats. Humour was his go-to modus to get through, the sillier the better. We cheered every picture he sent us, mugging for the camera: electrodes on his head or ridiculous hospital gowns, a ‘brain fart’ toy. the tumour came back with a vengeance In August, results of an MRI were devastating. From then until he died –almost a year to the date of diagnosis – the speed of his physical decline was shocking. It was his confused speech that led to the initial consult that led to the diagnosis, but – until August of 2019 – he was able to have a conversation, with words ‘filled in’ for him. When he lost that ability, he still hammed for visitors. His right side was the first to ‘go’, but he still made funny hand gestures with his left hand and jiggled in his seat when bouncy music played. His wife, Susan Teskey (herself a formidable producer/director) proved an amazing caregiver who also did her best to inject humour wherever possible: each piece of home care equipment was named and formally introduced. The commode, for example, was Clarence. The high top toilet seat, Harold. She made sure his... read more

Ricky’s mother had a ‘good death’

by KathyKastner | Feb 19, 2018 | Blog, Personal Stories

Of the three siblings, Ricky – the sole daughter – was closest to her mother, Anna. “When my marriage ended, my kids and I lived with my mother. We all adored her.” In the last three years of her life Anna- who died at age 91 – was beset by Dementia. “It was more than memory loss – it was her wonderful personality that vanished.” In spite of the pain of her beloved mother disappearing, Ricky took care of her until the end.

A beautiful death

by KathyKastner | Feb 19, 2018 | Blog, Personal Stories

“My mother was ‘dying’ for about 10 years – with her sickness, she seemed often on the brink of death, and then she’d rally. We’d all said our goodbyes a number of times. But on the day she actually died, my father was in her bed, his arm around her, holding on to her. He’d been in this position for a long time when my former brother-in-law came to visit. “My mother and her former son-in-law had kept up a really special relationship even after my sister had divorced him. They were very close and spent a fair bit of time together. My father would call him ‘her spiritual companion’. When he came into my mother’s room, she was looking grey and frail. My father’s arm was falling asleep holding her. ‘Can you take over here?’ he asked when former brother-in-law appeared. Take over he did, cradling my mother against him. My mother looked at him and her face lit up. Her cheeks became rosy and her eyes twinkled. She looked like a teenager again. She smiled, and took her last breath. It was a beautiful death. I was glad to have been there. Interestingly, when I was about 5 years old, I had a dream that my mother died in the arms of a younger man. It was the only such dream I’d ever had.” ... read more

Personal Support Worker (PSW): caring at life’s end

by KathyKastner | Aug 9, 2015 | Blog, Inspiration, Personal Stories

Dealing with grief and End of Life as a Personal Support Worker Guest Post by Natrice Rese It’s something that you are prepared for as a student. It is understood that as a caregiver, a PSW, you will maintain a distance, a separation, a formal kind of relationship with your clients and residents. But when you actually begin the job you quickly find out that it is not quite as easy to deal with when you can put faces, names and personalities to the residents you care for. Close connections bring an affection for your clients and vice versa. Personally I found it hard to be at a distance: When you give total and personal support to residents you can’t help but have feelings of friendship, protection, and empathy that is by nature what a caregiver has in his or her “toolbag”. I recall one particular lovely lady who was often in my care in the facility where I worked. I will call her “Mary”. Mary had brilliant silver hair and very blue eyes, lots of smiles, laughs and mischievous looks. She was obviously loved by her family and had visits often. Mary was dealing with many issues: she endured a stroke that limited her movement and mobility. She also had dementia so she needed a lot of support, smiles, hugs, and conversation. Although Mary was confined to a wheelchair she was able to roll her chair around the halls and with one hand surprisingly strong. She was as continually busy as a small child is, always on the move, always into something – often trying to exit through doors, enter... read more

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